I knew it would be hard, or should I say weird, but I had no idea what I was really headed towards. "My body is made for this, it can't be THAT hard", I kept telling myself. I read some things online and watched a couple videos but that's it. I figured Hannah and I would just "get" it once she was born and the foreign thoughts I felt about it would fade away fast, as it would just feel natural.
First I would like to say, it did not feel natural for me until about 5 weeks and we are still getting used to it. The first two weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. Very true! I wanted to so badly to breast feed Hannah and make it work, but at that point I thought there was no way I could go on. Hannah was awesome, she was a great sucker and wanted to eat all the time. Both of these things are key and great for newborns because it helps for Mom's milk to come in quickly. We were blessed that we didn't have to struggle with a newborn who was still developing her sucking skills or one that just wouldn't wake up to eat. I, on the other hand found out very soon from several different lactation consultants that my nipples are short and pretty small (sorry if that's tmi, but I want this post to be real and well that was the main problem for us). This made it very difficult for me to get Hannah to latch on correctly. Because she wanted to eat so badly she would latch on however she could and "go to town". The latches were always incorrect and always very painful. I would cry and cry as the pain and wounds would get worse. There were so many times that I would just pray and cry out to the Lord for help and guidance to get us through this hard time. To teach me what to do and help us get it right! I also prayed and still do to Mary. I have been thinking about her a lot lately, how amazing it is that she had baby Jesus in a stable, loved, feed, and cared for him without any of the comforts we have today. She amazingly made it work and figured it out, and I prayed she would help me do that same.
Sweet Zach was so supportive and often times would tell me he just wished he could take over for me, but we both knew that wasn't possible ;) Around two and a half weeks one day at work he was talking to a friend, who had just had a baby a couple months prior, telling him how things were going and explaining that nursing was really a challenge. Matt gave us the number of a lactation consultant that his wife used and loved. THIS WAS AN ANSWERED PRAYER! HUGE! That afternoon I called Judy and she came over the very next day. She taught me a new hold and the correct way to guide Hannah so we got the perfect latch. I felt so comfortable as she was very calming and patient with us. From that day on, there was a new sense of peace as we would go to nurse. I was calm and had more confidence in what I was doing, this helped the whole situation. We still had a long road ahead of us but I slowly began to heal and with each feeding Hannah got better and better at latching on the correct way. There were other battles to face as well. I felt swamped with the pressure to always be available to my baby and felt "on call" for her feedings. I know this probably sounds selfish. I prayed a lot about this feeling as well that God would slow me down and know that right now in my life this was my purpose and in his plan. He has helped me a ton and it is easier now that I know Hannah's schedule and we can plan out our days more around when she will need to eat. This gives us more freedom for running errands, making dinner, and just other day to day things.
I know some women out there are unable to nurse completely. I know that others have it very easy and it comes naturally. For me, it was not easy. I felt so much like a failure when I wanted to quit. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't make it work. I am writing this post to remember how far we have come and to hopefully tell somebody else out there, you're not alone! God is so amazing in his plans. I still can't believe that I am able to totally nurture my baby with my body. She is growing so fast and it is very fulfilling to see this and know that I am the source of her development. It has gotten so much better but I know there is still so much for me to learn on this journey.
My wish is that there was more support for Moms-to-be out there. It wasn't until I was in my own home in our nursery that I could calm down and listen and learn from a lactation consultant. She explained to me that yes my nipples were small and yes it will take time to get used to it, but it is possible and it shouldn't hurt at all. She told me that it should be precious calm times during your day and night to bond with your baby. She gave me a new energy to keep trying, which was just what I needed. I truly believe that each Mom needs this same opportunity if they are struggling too. Research shows that if Mom doesn't feel it click within the first two weeks of nursing she will stop and go to formula. I was at this point. I do not think it is bad at all to feed your baby formula, and totally support all Moms who take this route, but for me I really wanted to make nursing work and so it was hard when I thought I had to give it up. My journey is still going and there are still days I wish it was easier and more convenient, but I have really grown to love it so much. Each day gets easier and each week it gets faster and feels more normal. It really is just the first month where I was like, "What in the world, am I ever going to feel like myself again." haha! It is so amazing now and I feel so blessed that I am able.
Maybe one day I will become a lactation consultant for Moms in their homes. I want each Mom to get the help they need so that they aren't forced into stopping. It should be a choice and everyone deserves that opportunity. So if you are a new Mommy or soon to be, take it from me, get help and call me if you want someone to talk to :) I pray for all news Moms wishing to nurse that they can experience all its sweetness that was perfectly designed by our Creator.
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